I’d like to be able to remember the last Mother’s Day I had with my daughter. The mind is a mystery and tries to protect us when it can and I hate it at times. By May Allison had been on hospice care for five months, and while I was was spending my days doing everything I could to keep her alive, I think I was just existing. My days were consumed with blood sugar levels, insulin shots, 20+ medications, wound care, keeping a terminally ill child out of the hospital and home where she wanted to be. Taking her out, trying to make he happy then consoling her when we got home when she was upset because people stared at her because of her appearance. Not sleeping at night because you’re listening to her breathing, to make sure she’s breathing. If you actually do sleep, waking up and the first though in your head is if today is the day that your child dies.
I’d like to say that I have other happy Mother’s Day memories, but I don’t. The previous year, we were on our wish trip. I guess the ex forgot it was Mother’s Day the Sunday we were there. We were in line to get breakfast, and one of the volunteers looked at me and said “Happy Mother’s Day!”. Allison looked at me with this horrified look on her face and I thought she was about to burst into tears, and said “Mommy I didn’t know”. And honestly I didn’t give two shits about Mother’s Day, the same thing had happened the year before, so expectations were out the window there. It was her reaction, how upset this kind, beautiful soul was. So we went to Disney or Universal, one of those, and made her forget that it was Mother’s Day.
So my wish for you, if you are a mother, is to remember this. Yes, being a mother is hard. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. You’ll be angry and frustrated, sad and depressed some days. But those days will be far outnumbered by the days of pure joy and happiness. From the first words and steps, to graduations, wedding days, and the days that your babies have babies. It’s a gift that you have been given, and today should be about that.