Sunday, May 13, 2018

Mother’s Day

I’ve been seeing all kinds of articles and posts about what moms “really” want for Mother’s Day.  Posts with sarcastic tweets about sleeping in, no laundry, clean houses, etc.  The ones that stood out to me the most were the ones like “multiple hours in a sensory deprivation chamber”,  “to be surrounded by my beautiful children but to not have to spend one second with them on Mother’s Day”, or the one that really hit home, “All I want for Mother’s Day is to not have to keep anyone or anything else alive” (she goes on to joke about getting another plant)
I’d like to be able to remember the last Mother’s Day I had with my daughter.  The mind is a mystery and tries to protect us when it can and I hate it at times.  By May Allison had been on hospice care for five months, and while I was was spending my days doing everything I could to keep her alive, I think I was just existing.  My days were consumed with blood sugar levels, insulin shots, 20+ medications, wound care, keeping a terminally ill child out of the hospital and home where she wanted to be.  Taking her out, trying to make he happy then consoling her when we got home when she was upset because people stared at her because of her appearance.  Not sleeping at night because you’re listening to her breathing, to make sure she’s breathing.  If you actually do sleep, waking up and the first though in your head is if today is the day that your child dies.
I’d like to say that I have other happy Mother’s Day memories, but I don’t.  The previous year, we were on our wish trip.  I guess the ex forgot it was Mother’s Day the Sunday we were there.  We were in line to get breakfast, and one of the volunteers looked at me and said “Happy Mother’s Day!”.  Allison looked at me with this horrified look on her face and I thought she was about to burst into tears, and said “Mommy I didn’t know”.  And honestly I didn’t give two shits about Mother’s Day, the same thing had happened the year before, so expectations were out the window there.  It was her reaction, how upset this kind, beautiful soul was.  So we went to Disney or Universal, one of those, and made her forget that it was Mother’s Day.
So my wish for you, if you are a mother, is to remember this.  Yes, being a mother is hard.  It’s the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.  You’ll be angry and frustrated, sad and depressed some days.  But those days will be far outnumbered by the days of pure joy and happiness.  From the first words and steps, to graduations, wedding days, and the days that your babies have babies.  It’s a gift that you have been given, and today should be about that.


Saturday, August 19, 2017

Travis starts school Monday.  7th grade, 13 years old.  Hard to believe.  Even harder to believe that my girl would have been starting her senior year this week as well.  One beginning the journey as a teenager, one preparing for the last leg, or that's how it was supposed to be.  6 years ago we were spending our final days with her.  For whatever reason, I had a bittersweet memory last night.  Earlier that year, during one of the days that I was home with her, we were sitting out in the living room I think.  All of a sudden she got very serious, and said "Mommy, I have something I have to confess to you, you might be mad at me".  And I'm thinking, how can I possibly get mad at this kid now, with THIS going on.  So deep breath, OK, what is it.  Now I have to pause here to remind you that back then was when Twilight was still a thing.  We had taken Allison and her friends (the Pod) to all of the movies that had come out to that point, and Allison had read the first 3 books.  I stopped her at book 4 because, ahem, have you read book 4??  She's 10.  I have to draw the line somewhere, even if she is reading at a 5th grade level at the end of 2nd grade.  Anyway, she looks at me and says, "you know how you said I couldn't read Breaking Dawn? "  Yes, I'm nodding.  "Well (friend at school)'s sister had it so she let me borrow it and I kept it in my locker and read it at school"......"are you mad?"
So she read it in 3rd grade.  And I look back now and see how much she loved me that she couldn't keep that secret from me any longer.  How could I be mad?
In a world that seems to be so full of ugliness and hate, how lucky am I to have known a love like that...

Sunday, January 31, 2016

The Bears have a new home...

Allison was gifted with all of these bears right before she passed away. A wish had been planned for her to go to Build A Bear for a shopping spree. The week before we were sure it was going to happen, the day of, she was in and out of consciousness. After, we had her best friends pick out a favorite to keep, and the rest were put away. I've been putting off doing anything with them, I think my fellow bereaved parents will understand. So yesterday, I went and stacked them into my loaner car (couldn't use the "my car's too small excuse") and today T and I delivered them to our wonderful hospice company, and they will be given to other children in hospice/palliative care. I think she would be happy. ‪#‎lettinggoishard‬

Sunday, January 24, 2016

“It is such a secret place, the land of tears.”
– Antoine de Saint-ExupĂ©ry