Friday, September 11, 2015


Four years.  Whoever said that time heals all wounds knew nothing about this type of loss.  Most days are ok, but days like today, it all comes back.  I wonder who you would be today, almost 16, probably taller than me, definitely smarter than me. I heard you in a dream two nights ago.  You were in another room talking and I could not go to you, but I could hear you so clearly.  I rarely dream and never about you, so I can only wonder, were you reaching out to me?  The 11 years I had with you were not enough, and these 4 without you have been too many.  tu me manques , my beautiful girl.  

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The bestie and I had some fun last night, our kind of fun anyway.  It was a good night, don't get me wrong.  I just never know when something is going to hit me.  The funny thing is that it didn't hit me until today at 11:30am -- 16 hours later.  After running around, we went to the National Night Out event that the bestie's daughter ( Allison's BF) and her BF had gone to.  We were picking them up and had some time to kill.  We had been talking to one of the police officers and giving him a hard time about his two seater motorcycle -- Bestie just wasn't letting it go -- and finally found the girls after Officer Two-seater gave us wrong directions.  When we left, we walked back past him and the girls stopped to look at the motorcycle.  Bestie and I continued to give the officer a hard time, and he asked the girls if we were their Mom's.  An innocent question, a natural assumption.  I was having a good time and didn't even think about it at the time. Thankfully the moment was over as quickly as it happened and we continued on.  I guess that time has that effect, it wasn't until today that it hit me, that she should have been there.  She would have been the one I was picking up, the one running up to hug me as soon as she saw me.  Some say grief is like the ocean, as it is always coming at you in waves.  That may be true to a point, but for me it is more like my heart breaks all over again with moments like this.  Sometimes its a small crack, and sometimes the whole wall comes crashing down.  Today was just a crack, another day to get through.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

So it's here.  3 years.  Some days I can't believe you have been gone for so long, and some days it seems like just yesterday I was laying in bed beside you.  I woke this morning to messages of love and support and my heart filled and broke all at the same time.  I've spent the morning looking at photos of you, and reading emails that I've saved.  Remembering stories that people have shared of you.  And I am in awe.  All I ever wanted was to be the mother to you that I did not have.  To make sure that you knew that you were loved and cherished.  With that love, you blossomed.  I'm always amazed and humbled when someone tells me how they were impacted by you, by us.  I always tried to tell you how proud you always made me, but even now, you still make me so proud.  When I meet your camp counselor. and two years later she still has your ring on her key chain.  When I meet a Child Life Specialist who was an intern at camp and "earned her stripes" because of you.  When your friends share their sweet memories of you.  When Travis looks up into the sky and says "Sissypooh".  There is an ache in my chest that I'm not sure will ever go away.  Not a day goes by that I do not think of you and wish that you were here.  I love you my sweet girl
 Allison Kay Long  11/30/1999 - 09/11/2011

Monday, August 25, 2014

First Day of School

Some days are ok.  Some days are dark.  Some days the what ifs swirl around in my head until I am lost and it all seems like a dream and I feel like I'm looking in from the outside.  How is it possible that my daughter is gone.  She should be starting high school today.  I should have spent the weekend doing last minute shopping with her and her brother.  I should have been making sure she got a good breakfast, although she probably would have wanted something from Starbucks.  I should have been getting to take pictures and make memories like everyone else.  Dropping her off and making sure I didn't embarrass her on her first day.  Anxiously waiting all day to see her and ask her, as I did every day "How was your day!" -- she always complained when I did this.  I would always tell her "Trust me, there will be a time that you will be glad that someone loves you enough to ask about your day".  I'd usually get a smarmy pre-teen reply from the girl who was way older than her years, but after a few minutes, she would start spilling the details of her day, this was our routine.  
This is one of the things you don't think about when you loose a child.  After the shock wears off and you are left with the dull ache that you carry with you.  That you're going to see your child's friends grow up and do all the things that your's was supposed to do.  And it's one of the worst kind of hurts, because you are happy and sad at the same time, and sometimes you just don't understand how that can be.  You don't want your friends to have to walk on eggshells around you, and not celebrate their lives to spare your feelings.  But you don't want her to be forgotten either.  So today I dream about the beautiful young lady I can only imagine she would be, and celebrate along with my friends.